To Mama Recheal. Life Is Short To Be In A Relationship With Someone Who’s Fickle.

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If you are ever in a situation where you have to choose between me or another guy or person, then please choose the other person. I want you to be so confident in me that without hesitation that no matter who I’m compared to you unquestionably choose me every time. That’s what I want in my corner. You just don’t give up on me like that. In return I shall give you the same loyalty. Together we are a team letting no one to come between us. If they are not team ‘us’ then they are not for us. Now that’s what I call a bond.

I always read confessions and death notes to other bizarre acts which are a product of anger inflicted on a human being due to a love triangles and I end up asking myself whether they wanted to be happy or right when they took their fast step to be in relationship. Fortunately for me, most of them wanted to be right. The attorney’s fees for being right are always higher than for being happy. Long stories short, the Mama Recheal Wedding preparation is underway and most importantly people have started to even buy gifts not knowing the venue. I guess I might not have a gift for her but a word or two to my readers.In fact, my belief is that if everyone focused on being happy we wouldn’t need divorces case and separations in which-ever form the came in, be it official or just as convenience; but that is another story. This story is about some of the misconceptions we experience when we marry, and what we can do to avoid destroying a marriage.

A decade ago I had a very optimistic view about getting married. My parents were married in the 1950s and stayed together to the bitter end, until death did them apart. It was not a Hollywood romance from my point of view. It seemed to me that it was a constant struggle of wills and demands, which eventually evolved into a smoldering truce that sometimes broke out into affection, but not always. I always thought that my parents probably would have been happier being apart, but they were too afraid of the unknown and too stubborn to change anything about their relationship. Thus I swore to myself I would never live that way, and as a result I have lived a life of fear and constant reflections of where am headed in life. I am sure that my fear about getting trapped in a silent duel to the death had a lot to do with that.

The first thing I learned about all of this is it is important to choose our battles with each other wisely. Not everything is worth fighting over, not everything is worth being right about. Sure, there are a number of things people fight about, money, intimate frequency, public behaviour, assets, jobs, projects the list is endless. It is my assumption that the most important thing people look for in marriage is support. It is much more important to fight for your partner than it is to fight with your partner. If you complain about your partner to someone else, I can guarantee that the relationship is doomed. If you agree with a criticism against your partner, the relationship is doomed. It is constructive and meaningful to have a kind and objective conversation with your partner about their behavior if circumstances warrant it. If you take it outside the home, you are causing cracks in the foundation of the relationship that may not survive a hotter day ahead.

We have to argue constructively. We are not children. My couples are polar opposites, when they didn’t like their partners behaviour, one will nag while the other goes silent. I have to say I preferred that couples rethinks their bonds more often taking total responsibility for everything that happens around them, be it children, financial strains and assets managements. For these can push the weak relationships to their demise.  The key for disagreement is to remember that there is a solution for every disagreement. Sometimes it may not be obvious, but there is always a solution. A premarital discussion about behaviours that are acceptable and non-acceptable goes a long way in setting the rules early in the relationship. I once thought that marriage should not have rules, but that’s an assumption of the few naïve. There are behaviours pull you together, and behaviours that drives you apart. When one hits speed bumps in the marital road, it is good to remember that one of the rules that keep together is speaking softly and listening. Most partners want to know that they are heard and their partner is more concerned about keeping the relationship than being right.

To Baba Rechael always remember the few words. The thing to remember is that everything changes. We change, they change. Men often fall in love with an ideal that their partner represents in the beginning, and never want that ideal to change. Women often fall in love with who they think their partner can be and will grow into. “Life is too short to be in a relationship with someone who’s fickle”.  And move on as you owe your loyalty to your children and just because your feelings change doesn’t mean your loyalty change!!! Loyalty is immutable, Feelings are mutable!

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