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The Devastation of Losing a Loved One

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Your world has completely stopped, but at the same time, it is spinning wildly around you. You can’t stop sobbing. An unknown person passes you a bottle of water, you sip once and lift your face up of the coffin to thank him for the water, an old rhyme is coming from your silence ‘this world is not my home’. Your knees are buckling under your weight, and you are falling to the floor. You may be physically sick, vomiting until your stomach is empty. You watch people take you away and wonder what will happen at the funeral as doctors take you in for admission, life is all about a run that everyone takes but no one knows where the end is until you can get a grimes of the finish line. When some will cheer you up to glory while other will mourn you for a life time.

Have been constantly thinking about life and death, and its disturbs me on how terrifying “dying” must be, I always mention the fact that what scares me most about death is not dying, it is the possibility of merely ceasing to exist. Of course, it wouldn’t matter if that was actually the case, because once you cease to exist, you have no idea what you do. But nonetheless, the idea of no longer be able to feel neither she nor him. It’s a deeply saddening thought to me. Your sweet story only last the mourning time but the worst of you will haunt the village for ages. I will no longer make decisions about what comes next after I have turned into human remains, everybody else will but for how long, till the moment I will lay on my grave six four under, I thought for a moment, but will i decide where it is? What if they let my body be eaten by the vultures of the wilderness.

My mind keeps going back to the last time I saw the world. I replay my last words with them and wonder if you hugged them and told them I love them. Then I go further back and think about the signs i somehow missed and how this must be my fault. My mind will also go back again and again to the last time I can remember. I hope that I will never go back to the soil with all the ideas that fermented in my brains for second, minutes, hours, days and even ages. I hope that the weather will matter no more and the fantasies of this world as well. The same place the style the same position that they will decide that I lay on, will be it for the rest of it.  

Then the worst happens the parent are the most devastated , sometimes I wonder what if it happened to me, to loose the brightest brain I know, that joy the smile and the treasure, it something that no one can fathom until the reality strikes harshly and hard. Will you stand in the grocery store with everyone moving around you like nothing has happened? You will want to scream out, “My child is dead!” so they understand your pain. It will be like a movie playing in front of you. You will want answers. Maybe your child left a note that gives you some solace. But the note’s content will not be enough. There are always going to be more questions. You are likely never going to understand completely why this happened. You will spend a lot of time thinking about it. You will go through his or her room, backpacks, notebooks, and computer files, looking for more information or a special keepsake he or she left for you. You may or may not find it. Either way it will still not be enough.

Some of your friends won’t know what to say, so they will stay away. Others will try to find the right words and will say something hurtful without meaning to. Some will research the right things to say to someone in your situation. Some will send you cards and e-mails months from now, and you will be grateful they have not forgotten your loss and pain. Some will offer to sit quietly and hold you. You will have a hard time making decisions, not just big ones, like what to do with your child’s belongings or room or what the headstone should look like, but rather little ones, like what to have for dinner or what to wear. The first few months will be a blur. You will have memory issues where chunks of time are missing or you cannot remember conversations. Your work will suffer.

You will not enjoy socializing as you once did. You will hide behind closed doors and pulled shades so you do not need to interact with others. You will avoid phone calls and texts. You will turn down invitations that you would have once happily accepted. When you do find the wherewithal to go out, you will come home exhausted and emotionally drained. It will not be because people are unkind. It will be because interacting with others will enervate you. Some of your friends, family, and coworkers will want you to get over it and will tell you so. Your grief will make them uncomfortable. You will give yourself deadlines for feeling better.

You will be changed. But you will not always feel as hopeless and helpless as you do right now. Things will get better, but it will take time and effort. Please take the time to connect with resources especially developed for those who are traveling this road.

But always remember you are not alone in this journey. For me I wish you peace, love and light on this journey.

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